Euro 2012: Czech Republic v Portugal

39 min: OK, so Postiga can't continue but it's not Oliviera who replaces him, rather it's Hugo Almeida.

38 min: Postiga has just pulled up off the ball, seemingly having snapped his hamstring. He's receiving attention from the medics but if it's as bad as it looks, he won't be playing on and Nelson Oliveira will make an early entrance. That should introduce a pleasing unpredictability to Portugal's attacks. "That's a great made-up story by Dodser O'Dool [20 mins]," snipes Chris Clough. "In my own 'aren't women silly' story, my imaginary girlfriend has remarked to me that it's very impressive that Darida has managed to simultaneously sustain a football career while also writing groundbreaking works of post-modern philosophy. I soon realised - she was thinking of Jacques Derrida!!!"

35 min: A trademark swirling freekick from 30 yards by Ronaldo, except that it swirled several yards wide. Meanwhile Jordan Pickering offers this update on our entry at 20 mins: "Dodser O'Dool is doing his best to hang on to his girlfriend, after shaming her internationally, but he's not quite pulling it off."

33 min: After much bishing and boshing around the Czech box, Ronaldo attempts a flamboyant overhead kick from eight yards: his basic technique was sound, but the direction misaligned, so the ball flew wide.

30 min: Solid defending by Limbersky to stop Nani from collecting a well-intentioned through-ball by Postiga. "In the few days before the Netherlands - Portugal clash, Dutch television broadcaster NOS kept showing this song," jabbers Michiel Jongsma. "Basically it was just a childish provocation. He seemed to pick it up well though, didn't he? II hope the Czechs haven't been so stupid in their post match build-up, as he apparently is quite easily inflamed."

28 min: Told you this would start to open up! The Czechs have prised open Portugal, only for Jiracek to be thwarted at the last by a fine Pepe clearance.

26 min: Nani booked for a minor foul on Limbersky, who makes out that he's been hit by a truck. Moments later Veloso sees yellow for a genuinely oafish tackle.

25 min: Oooooh! That was splendid play by Portugal, followed by a splendid save by Cech! Ronaldo made a brilliant run, Moutino rewarded him with a wonderful pass and Cech surged off his line to charge down Ronaldo's shot from 10 yards.

23 min: Coetrao and Ronaldo one-two their way down the left before a cross from the full-back almost flummoxes the keeper, but doesn't.

20 min: This is tense. And the Czechs continue to look more menacing, with Portugal yet to find their groove. "My girlfriend has loyally been watching the Euros with me and doing her best to seem interested," announces Dodser O'Dool. "But she's not quite pulling it off. 'Oh wow, is that the Pepe? He looks so young!' she just ventured. After lengthy rumination I realised what she was driving at. "Erm, are you thinking of Pele?' I asked. She was."

17 min: Fine run down the right by Darida, followed by an inviting low cross into the centre. Baros flings himself at it but can't connect.

15 min: Plasil and Darida link nicely in midfield before their attack is snuffed out: but there is clearly a latent danger from the Czechs and as this game starts to open up, chances are sure to flow freely. Hopefully.

12 min: That's more like it from Portugal: Coentrao and Nani combined neatly down the left before the Manchester United winger pinged in a cross that required urgent evacuation. The ensuing corner was cleared as far as Moutinho, who smashed a reasonable 20-yard shot into the keeper's arms.

10 min: So far - and yes, I know the game is but a pup - the Czech's strategy has worked. They're clustered deep, preventing Portugal from finding a way through them and then counter-attacking at speed.

8 min: Portugal mount a threat for the first time, massing numbers around the Czech box and trying to pick a way through. but the Czechs stood firm.

6 min: Jiracek gets off the first shot of the match, cutting in off the left to blem one from 18 yards. Pepe deflected it behind for another corner. "I think Alexander Caldin is confusing his bowel complaints," nitpicks William Peake. "Certainly not speaking from experience but incontinence is an inability to control one's bowels, as opposed to questioning the integrity of the resulting waste." I'm so glad we've started this riff.

4 min: Both teams are feeling each other out, as the saying goes. "Granted that Ronaldo was fantastic against the Dutch but I'm very surprised at all this talk of the Portuguese are a one-man team, and especially that Nani has barely been mentioned," spews David Wall. "He's arguably been their best player through the tournament and, were it not for the woeful finishing of some of his team-mates (Ronaldo but even more so Postiga) then he'd probably be heading the list of goal providers by some distance." Who exactly has been saying Portugal are a one-man team? No one sensible, that's for sure. And I agree with you about Nani, although Pepe, Moutinho and Coentrao have also been brilliant.

2 min: A bright start by the Czechs, who confound expectations by launching a dangerous attack alraedy. It was led by Darida, who is making his competitive debut for his country tonight. A solid tackle by Pepe curtailed the move at the expense of a corner, which Portugal cleared without much ado.

1 min: The first Euro 2012 quarter-final is under way thanks to a textbook kick-off by Portugal: is there nothing Ronaldo can't do?

7.43pm: There are five Portuguese players on yellow cards: Coentrao, Ronaldo, Meireles, Pereira and Postiga. Only three of the Czech starts are in a similar predicament: Limbersky, Plasil and Jiracek.

7.40pm: Alexander Caldin is no respector of national anthems so while the players were crooning away, he was typing this: "I liked your reference to incontinent cows covering grass like the Czechs; then realised that you were being somewhat tautological. A cow is always incontinent- it's not as if you ever see a solid cow shit. Rather like birds. Lucky birds are incontinent really, or else think of all the awful opportunities for appalling autoglass adverts."

7.38pm: An explanation for all of you asking what became of the new MBM format: that was merely a sneak preview the other night, it will be properly "rolled out", if you don't mind, for the Olympics.

7.36pm: "Hey!" heys David Schulwolf. "You list Howard Webb as a sergeant? Isn't that a fairly low rank for a man who officiated the World Cup final, and may well officiate the Euro 2012 final, as england have about as much chance of winning as the US and A." Hey, take it up with the police: that is Webb's actual rank.

7.33pm: Have a gander at this little compilation of gems from the man Ronaldo is trying to succeed as Portugal's greatest ever player.

7.28pm: All hail Ritika Bhasker, who found the name that had been eluding you all: the seventh in our list of players to have scored in three Euro finals in a row is ... Vladimir Smicer. To recap, the other six are Postiga, Ronaldo, Nuno Gomes, Henry, Klinsmann and Ibrahimovic.

7.26pm: Oh, and I forgot to mention that Simon McMahon also identified another one of the seven players to have scored in three consecutive Euro final: Nuno Gomes. So now there's only one left.

7.23pm: "After a whole day without any MBMs it's a relief to have you back, Paul," ingratiates Simon McMahon. "Yesterday I had to resort to watching my 'highlights' video (yes, video) of Scotland at major tournament finals, all 30 minutes of it. I'm ridiculously excited at the knockout stage about to start. No more trying to work out permutations and goal differences, who tops the mini-league and head-to-heads; extra-time and penalties here we come..." Was that video of yours really only 30 minutes long? For shame! HEre, treat yourself to all 90 minutes of this.

7.10pm: Harry Bronsdon has waded in early doors both to link to this article on Theo Gebre Selassie (Achtung: it's in German) and to answer the question I posed in the preamble, ie who are the five players other than Postiga and Ronaldo to have scored in three successive Euro finals? Harry has got three others: Klinsmann, Henry and Ibrahimovich. Gareth Beale, meanwhile, suggests Miroslav Klose, while Sager Supedi reckons Alan Shearer and Patrick Kluivert are in the mix. Those are wrong so there are still two more to find.

Preamble:
Painstaking research conducted by someone else reveals that the Czech Republic have been the most dynamic team of Euro 2012 so far, covering more grass than incontinent cows. And while Cristiano Ronaldo spent the first two matches of the tournament suggesting that he couldn't hit one of said bovines on the backside with a banjo, the Real Madrid stallion found his range in spectacular style during his country's third group game against the United Nations of Holland, thereby compensating for Portugal's lack of a decent specialist striker and giving them the look of a top-notch side that is getting it together at exactly the right time. If I were a betting man, I would place a fiver on Portugal to win Euro 2012. Which is to say: if I had not lost all of my other bets so far, I would have some money left to place a fiver on Portugal to win Euro 2012.

"We've started to play very well," confirmed Portugal's Chelsea midfielder Raul Meireles, who's starting to think his country could do what his club did this season by upsetting more fancied teams to claim glory, presumably with him missing the final through suspension. "Nobody regarded us as favourites before the tournament just as nobody regarded Chelsea as favourites in the Champions League," he boomed. "It will be very difficult, but it's our dream, just as it's the dream of all Portuguese people."

Portugal's opponents in tonight's quarter-final are also drawing inspiration from Chelsea, as the Czech Republic intend deploying all of their dynamism to park a fleet of buses in front of Petr Cech's goal. "We will have to stay compact and defend as a team," trilled Czech defender Tomas Sivok, adding: "No one can expect us to open up against them because their counter-attacks are lethal." The Czechs' cunning plan of preventing Portugal from counter-attacking by never launching any attacks of their own was made to look all the more understandable today by the confirmation Tomas Rosicky will not be fit enough to start, and that no friendly wizard has magicked Jan Koller back into the fray and renewed whatever spell it was that made Milan Baros so deadly eight years ago. Their plot, then, seems to be for Cech to prevail on penalties again. For Portugal's sake, Ronaldo better have been doing his banjo practice.

Something for the little grey cells: Hélder Postiga and Ronaldo are among seven players to score at three European Championships. Can you name the other five?

Something else: What made Karal so smiley. And, in the interests of balance, a great Portuguese performance.

Teams:
Czech Republic: Cech; Gebre Selassie, Sivok, Kadlec, Limbersky; Hubshman, Plasil; Jiracek, Darida, Pilar; Baros
Portugal: Patricio; Pereira, Pepe, Alves, Coentrao; Meireles, Veloso, Moutinho; Nani, Postiga, Ronaldo